Empty Words by MARIO LEVRERO

Author:MARIO LEVRERO
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Coffee House Press
Published: 2019-06-11T16:00:00+00:00

Exercises

December 16

It’s hard not to be frightened when you realize you can’t rely very much on yourself. I’ve played all my cards and lost, and now there are no more chances. Repeat my Buenos Aires adventure? Things aren’t so easy now (not that they were ever very easy), because the circumstances have changed and I have that first experience weighing on me. It was a good thing to do once, but it would be a terrible thing to repeat. Montevideo? Aside from the weather, there’s nothing appealing about that. And who knows what I’d do to pay the bills.

A couple of days ago I made a dangerous move, though now I’m glad I did: I sent a fax to the agency that buys crosswords from me, requesting a new rate. If it works out, the extra money might shake things up a bit. If it doesn’t work out … well, I’ll have to think of something else.

Really, the most difficult part of all this is making the drastic decision to separate from Alicia. If I could do it, cleanly and irreversibly, I know I’d immediately find a way to move forward. But I haven’t been able to make the decision. I speculate about it, but something very powerful—more powerful than fear—is still holding me back. I need to explore this more deeply. But I’m afraid of deceiving myself, or allowing her to deceive me. Everything can seem so clear, and then she makes another move, plays another trick, and suddenly it’s all muddled up again and shining with the lights of (false) hope. And so I decide to go on hoping, and every new hope exhausts me a little more, sucks a little more life from me, and dismantles my remaining self-esteem, until the only thing I have left is the pointless lucidity with which I passively observe the way I’m going under once and for all.

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